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What is Sex Addiction?
Recognizing that you may have an addiction can be scary: You want to know what to do, but you’re afraid to learn any more about yourself. You want to talk to someone about your problem, but you’re afraid to trust anyone. This blog post is a starting point to explore what sex addiction is, what are the causes and a quiz to assess your level of addiction.
What Is Sex Addiction? Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, it negatively impacts the addict and the family members as the disorder progresses and the addictive behaviors intensify. To learn about the 5 Tips to Changing Impulsive Behavior click on the link provided.
The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” For example, someone with a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing financial problems, shattered relationships, potential health risks, or even arrest.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.” According to the manual, sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”
For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.
What Causes Sex Addiction?
Why some people, and not others, develop an addiction to sex is not fully understood. Since antidepressants and other psychotropic medications have proven effective in treating some people with sex addiction, some suggest that biochemical abnormality or other brain changes increase risk.
Other studies indicate that food, drug abuse and sexual interests share a common pathway within our brains’ survival and reward systems; which thus short circuit the are of the brain responsible for our higher thinking, rational thought and judgment. For example, the brain tells the sex addict that having illicit sex is good the same way it tells others that food is good when they are hungry. As a result of these brain changes, the sex addict becomes preoccupied with sex, participates in compulsive sexual behavior despite negative consequences and fails at attempting to limit or terminate sexual behavior. This biochemical model helps explain why competent, intelligent, goal-directed people can be so easily sidetracked by drugs and sex.
People addicted to sex get a sense of euphoria and use sexual activity to seek pleasure, avoid unpleasant feelings or respond to outside stressors. This is not unlike how an alcoholic uses alcohol. In both instances, any reward gained from the experience soon gives way to guilt, remorse and promises to change.
Research also has found that sex addicts often come from dysfunctional families and are more likely than non-sex addicts to have been abused. One study found that 82 percent of sex addicts reported being sexually abused as children. Sex addicts often describe their parents as rigid, distant and uncaring. These families, including the addicts themselves, are more likely to be substance abusers. One study found that 80 percent of recovering sex addicts report some type of addiction in their families of origin.
Sex Addiction Quiz: The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is designed to assist in the assessment of sexually compulsive behavior which may indicate the presence of sex addiction. Developed in cooperation with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists, and community groups, the SAST provides a profile of responses which help to discriminate between addictive and non-addictive behavior. We strongly urge that diagnosis and treatment be done with a trained professional. This assessment is designed to help you decide whether you should seek further help.
For more information on how you can begin your recovery process, please contact True Potential Counseling today.
List of Defense Mechanisms
As human beings we have a variety of defense mechanisms we use when we feel threatened, vulnerable or are connecting with emotions or situations which cause us distress. Our defense system is otherwise known as the fight, flight, freeze response which typically gets activated when we are feeling powerlessness, rage or fear. Defense mechanisms are maladaptive coping skill we use when our internal system in our brain becomes activated (i.e. the amygdala) and communicates to our body (i.e. central nervous system) that our survival, whether real or imagined, is being threatened.
The following is a list of common defense mechanisms used:
- Blaming or Attacking Others – When our ego becomes threatened, we feel vulnerable and hurt, or we don’t want to admit our own short-comings or contributions to the problem, we try to cope with this pain by blaming or attacking others instead. For example, a husband blames and yells at his wife for not cleaning the house because he believes that if she does not care about him. Instead of sharing his vulnerability or needs clearly he attacks her and says, “You are a horrible wife and I made a mistake marrying you.”
- Rationalization – Subconscious justifications, excuses or reasoning given to make a behavior seem logical — “A student fails the final he didn’t study for and says… “I couldn’t have passed it anyway – that teacher has it in for me.”
- Reaction Formation – Over-compensation for fear of the opposite. When there are two conflicting parts in self-one is strengthened while the other is repressed. For example, someone may be extremely calm and relaxed, but may have a lot of repressed hostility and anger that they are unaware of on a conscious level.
- Excuses – Coming up with a list of reasons why a particular action occurred or examples of why action couldn’t be taken, instead of taking responsibility for behaviors and actions. “A professor arrives late to an appointment without completing the report by the agreed upon deadline and said, “There was so much traffic and my wife didn’t fill up the gas tank last night so I had to stop and get gas on the way. To top it off my son was running late this morning so I had to wait for him and I didn’t finish the report last night because my colleagues were behind on data collection.”
- Projection – Attempts to banish or “disown” unwanted and disliked thoughts, behaviors, and even “parts of self” by projecting or attributing them to someone else. May be as simple as blaming someone else – “He should have let me off on that ticket but that cop was trying to fill his monthly quota.”
- Introjection – The opposite of projection – subconsciously “takes in” to self an imprint (or recording) of another person including all their attitudes, messages, prejudices, expressions, even the sound of their voice, etc. This is healthy if the imprinted material is helpful advice, warnings, or other lessons from parents and respected others — unhealthy if shaming messages from parents, hatred, or aggression is turned inward on self.
- Deflection – When you change the subject and focus on someone or something else, instead of speaking about yourself. For example, when someone is asking about your behaviors in the relationship and you change the subject and focus on the negative behaviors of your spouse instead.
- Displacement – This defense reduces anxiety or pressure by transferring feelings toward one person to another — commonly known as “dumping on” someone. For example, a woman is mad her boss and kicks the dog when she gets home, or blows up and yells at her family.
- Regression – Giving up current level of development and going back to a prior level. For example, an older child is under stress and begins wetting the bed or sucking a thumb after a long period without that behavior.
- Simple Denial – Unpleasant facts, emotions, or events are treated as if they are not real or don’t exist. – For example, a man recently discovered that his wife is cheating on him, but he acts as though everything is normal and they are still trustworthy and faithful.
- Playing the Victim – To avoid dealing with the problem or feeling responsible for the situation, the victim finds it easier to make the other person the bad guy and believes that everything happens to them. They have difficulty taking any ownership for problems (i.e. the breakdown in the relationship) and are unable to acknowledge they have choices and can take action.
- Fantasy – Retreating into a dream world of times past.
- Suppression – Painful, frightening, or threatening emotions, memories, impulses or drives that are consciously pushed or “stuffed” inside.
- Identification – An ability available very early in life that children use to attach themselves to certain qualities, emotions, and attitudes of someone else especially between 8 and 13 during the modeling period.
- Conversion – Mental conflict converted to a physical symptom. For example, a soldier is being deployed for war; however feels conflicted because he desires serving his country, but believes it is wrong to kill and develops physical symptoms as a result.
- Anger and Intimidation – This is when a person deep down inside feels powerless and weak on some level and uses emotional intensity, threatens, intimidation and fear to get his/her needs met.
- Isolation – Separation of memory from emotion…can remember and talk about the trauma but feels no emotion — the Person talks about the incident as if it is someone else’s story.
- Sublimation – Redirection of impulses into socially acceptable activities — normal and healthy, such as when the sexual impulses of adolescence is channeled into sports and competition.
- Repression – Painful, frightening, or threatening emotions, memories, impulses or drives that are subconsciously pushed or “stuffed” deep inside.
For more information on how to break out of these defense mechanism patterns and begin redirecting that energy towards creating a fullfilling life, please contact True Potential Counseling for more details.
5 Tips To Changing Impulsive Behaviors
There are a variety of problematic and impulsive behaviors that exist: 1) explosive anger or rage, 2) binging and purging, 3) excessive drinking, smoking or using drugs, 4) gambling, 5) workaholism, 6) self-harming or violent gestures, 7) reckless sexual escapades, and 8) infidelity…just to name a few. These behaviors may have become so automatic or habitual, you have little insight or awareness about the thoughts, feelings, body sensations, triggers and vulnerabilities that are involved in your impulsive or problematic behavior.
In my years of clinical practice, a common theme mentioned by my clients is feeling disconnected from themselves both leading up to the impulsive behavior and especially when they are at the peak of emotional intensity; the insight and regret only kicks in after the damage has already been done. The tools in this post will not only help you gain better insight about your problematic behavior, but also help you replace old behaviors with skills and effective behaviors that leave you feeling empowered and satisfied.
1. Identify Your Behavior and Triggers- Start by identifying the behavior or urge that you would like to address. Next brainstorm triggers that lead you to the behavior. Triggers may include: people, places, situations, smells, events and times just to name a few. Take some time to journal and list your major triggers that prompt you to eventually act impulsively.
2. Reduce Your Vulnerabilities- Although there are various types of vulnerabilities that lay the groundwork for problematic behaviors, the basic vulnerability factors are being (H)ungry, (A)ngry, (L)onely, or (T)ired. A helpful anachronism is HALT (a.k.a. STOP). You can be used it to remind you to address these issues by taking proactive steps towards decreasing or eliminating these vulnerability factors.
3. List The Consequences Of The Problem Behavior- Next list both the positive consequences that reinforce the behavior and the negative consequences of the problematic behavior.
4. Skills Used and Required- Journal the skills you have already used and the additional skills that would be important for you to develop to help you utilize alternative strategies to the problematic behavior. Some skills include: mindfulness, emotion regulation skills, distress tolerance skills, thought regulation, interpersonal effectiveness skills, relaxation techniques, self-esteem development, assertiveness skills, etc.
5. Behavior Analysis In Chronological Order- This is the last and most important step. It is recommended you give yourself 20-30 minutes to do this exercise so you can really become conscientiously aware of all the details involved in your behavioral cycle.
To begin choose a specific and recent example in which the problematic behavior occurred. On a piece of paper write the problematic behavior at the top of the page and then draw a line vertically down the middle of the page.
On the left side of the page you will write write down in chronological order every (T)hought, (F)eeling, (E)vent, (BS) Body Sensations and (B)ehaviors leading up to the problematic behavior, during the problematic behavior and post-behavior. You want this play-by-play to be as detailed as possible so you truly get a full snapshot of all the internal and external aspects that are involved in your impulsive behavior.
After you have completed the actual chain of events on the left hand side of the page, you will then write on the right hand side alternative thoughts, skills, tools, coping mechanisms, and effective behaviors you could incorporate the next time some of these similar thoughts, feelings, body sensations, behaviors and events occur.
For example, if you tend to have problems with anger your behavior analysis may look something like this…
(E) I woke up late Practice Time Management Skills
(B) I was rushing Take time to relax and meditate 5 min.
(BS) My heart was racing Breathing exercise
(BS) Shortness of breath
(T) “I am so irresponsible” “I am learning & will plan better.”
(E) mad, irritable, anxious Image a happy or calm place in my mind
(B) don’t eat breakfast and leave Prepare a healthy snack the night before
(BS) tension in my shoulders
(E) stuck in traffic
(BS) tight fists Progressive muscle relaxation
(T) “People are so rude” State the facts to become objective
(E) rage, anger Opposite emotion exercise
(B) Yell explosively as someone Journal about what is upsetting me
(continue…)
If you found these suggestions helpful please comment below and share with fellow bloggers how these steps improved your outcome. Or if you know of someone who would also benefit from reading this post please share this blog with them. For more information on how to learn skills, you can join our upcoming Skills Training Group, by contacting True Potential Counseling.
6 Tips To Effective Decision Making
Have you ever been at a crossroads in your life where you feel overwhelmed and confused about which direction to take, don’t know what to do next or are filled with uncertainty about which path will take you to where you want to go?
If you are like many other men and women who are struggling with indecision, you may find yourself ruminating back and forth between various options. You may feel internal or external pressure to make “the right decision” which causes you to delay the decision, make an impulsive one, or avoid the decision all together. You may feel stuck in a vicious and unproductive cycle of anxiety and self-doubt.
When we are feeling anxious we become more indecisive and doubt ourselves more, consequentially, when we second guess ourselves and put off decisions we become more anxious…and so the cycle goes round and round endlessly. Until we start breaking the cycle, by managing our anxiety effectively, trusting ourselves and helpful allies, and taking action, we will be lost in the internal labyrinth of our mind. You can get out of the maze by following this helpful plan to gain clarity, self-confidence and begin taking calculated risks.
1. Create A Pro And Con List– On a piece of paper draw a vertical line down the middle of the page and a horizontal line across the middle of the page, thus creating 4 separate boxes. In the top left hand box you will write Pros and in the top right hand box you will write Cons. You will do the same for the boxes below.
Next you will write a list of the pros and cons for one option and the pros and cons for the alternative option. For example, if you are considering quitting your job, you would write a list of the pros and cons for staying in the job and the pros and cons to quitting the job. Or if you are considering starting a romantic relationship, you would write a list of the pros and cons to committing to the relationship and the pros and cons to being single. This will allow you to get a clear and rational picture rather than an emotional and one.
2. Connect with Your Inner Wisdom- Each of us has an emotional aspect that chooses pleasure over pain and avoids hassles and discomfort. We tend to unconsciously prioritize short-term rewards rather than long-term objectives requiring effort. Despite our conscious desire and best intentions of striving for what we want to accomplish we sabotage ourselves. Because our rational state of mind is linear, ridged, organized and structured we can use our logic to benefit us or to beat ourselves up. To get out of this emotional and mental roller-coaster ride, we can shift into a wise state of mind by answering reasonable questions, challenging distorted thinking patterns, regulating our emotions, or connecting with our body sensations and intuition. Some common questions we can ask ourselves is: What can I do now? What can I learn from this? What do you gain from delaying taking action now? What do you gain by following through now? This allows us to become wise about what to do rather than overly critical or emotional.
3. Develop Skills: Sometimes we may need to learn skills to keep us in the present moment or skills to manage our emotions effectively. Other times we may need to develop the skills to regulate our thoughts, tolerate distress or be effective in our interpersonal relationships in a conscious manner. If we tend to be more emotional we need to incorporate skills more rational in nature and vice versa. Since some of these skills were not learned in childhood or we have forgotten to use them consciously in our day to day life, integrating of these skills into our automatic responses can alleviate a lot of stress and help us to cope with the challenges we face.
4. Identify the Internal and External Trigger that make you Feel Overwhelmed: Each of us have our personal triggers that cause us distress or upset. An important step to effectively manage triggers it to become aware of what bothers you. Next you can do a behavioral chain analysis that can assist you in incorporating alternative behaviors or skills that help you get through the challenges and stressors that life inevitably has to offer.
5. Rejecting the Need for Certainty- When you believe that every decision has a “right answer” then every small decision can lead to over-analysis and thus paralysis. If you remind yourself that you cannot have certainty and that you don’t need it, you can begin to harness your intuition and develop self-confidence and inner trust by making choices despite not knowing the precise outcome.
Remember there are many roads leading to Rome and that every problem has a variety of answers. Sometimes the best choice is choosing the best option available at the time and moving forward knowing that you can handle and face whatever lies ahead of you. Otherwise delaying the process may cause you unnecessary stress and rumination and cause you to waste time and energy. Although we may believe that not making a decision may protect us, it can also end up hurting us and result in negative consequences.
6. Be Satisfied with your Decision– When making decisions, individuals are either “maximizers” or “satisficers.” “Maximizers” consider every possible option, and “satisficers” look until they find an option that is good enough.
When we are “maximizers” we look at the array of possibilities that lie before us and we focus on all the missed opportunities we are saying no to instead of focusing on the one choice we are saying yes to. By doing we brainstorm a variety of options but also fixate more on what was given up than what was gained. When we are “satisfiers” we lower our expectations and narrow our focus on which options are good enough. As a result “satisfiers” are more settled and happier individuals.
Often times considering every option is almost never necessary, and should be reserved for the most important life decisions. Instead of maximizing options, we can maximize our happiness by proactively choosing the option that is good enough and being satisfied with the best choices available at the time.
For more information on how to effectively make decisions or feel internal peace with the challenges that lie ahead of you one-on-one attention can benefit you and alleviate your distress. You can get additional guidance and assistance by contacting True Potential Counseling today. If you found this article helpful please forward this blog post onto your friends, family and loved ones.
Angry Quiz
Instructions: The items below refer to how you have behaved during the past year. Please indicate whether each question is TRUE or FALSE as a description of you during the past year.
NOTE: If you suspect that you have an anger management problem you should seek help from a health professional regardless of how you score on this screening test.
1. I don’t show my anger about everything that makes me mad, but when I do – look out.
True False
2. I still get angry when I think of the bad things people did to me in the past.
True False
3. Waiting in line, or waiting for other people, really annoys me.
True False
4. I fly off the handle easily.
True False
5. I often find myself having heated arguments with the people who are closest to me.
True False
6. I sometimes lie awake at night and think about the things that upset me during the day.
True False
7. When someone says or does something that upsets me, I don’t usually say anything at the time, but later spend a lot of time thinking up cutting replies I could and should have made.
True False
8. I find it very hard to forgive someone who has done me wrong.
True False
9. I get angry with myself when I lost control of my emotions.
True False
10. People really irritate me when they don’t behave the way they should, or when they act like they don’t have the good sense of a head of lettuce.
True False
11. If I get really upset about something, I have a tendency to feel sick later, either with a weak spell, headache, upset stomach, or diarrhea.
True False
12. People I’ve trusted have often let me down, leaving me feeling angry or betrayed.
True False
13. When things don’t go my way, I get depressed.
True False
14. I am apt to take frustration so badly that I cannot put it out of my mind.
True False
15. I’ve been so angry at times I couldn’t remember things I said or did.
True False
16. After arguing with someone, I hate myself.
True False
17. I’ve had trouble on the job because of my temper.
True False
18. When riled up, I often blurt out things I later regret saying.
True False
19. Some people are afraid of my bad temper.
True False
20. When I get angry, frustrated or hurt, I comfort myself by eating or using alcohol or other drugs.
True False
21. When someone hurts or frustrates me, I want to get even.
True False
22. I’ve gotten so angry at times that I’ve become physically violent, hitting other people or breaking things.
True False
23. At times, I’ve felt angry enough to kill.
True False
24. Sometimes I feel so hurt and alone I feel like committing suicide.
True False
25. I’m a really angry person, and I know I need help learning to control my temper and angry feelings because it has already caused me a lot of problems.
True False
From: Of Course You’re Angry: A Guide to Dealing with the Emotions of Substance Abuse by Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden, Copyright 1985, 1997 by Hazelden Foundation. Reprinted by permission of Hazelden Foundation, Center City, MN.
| Score Interpretation | |
| 10 or more, or any of the last 4 questions True | Anger Management Problem: Help Required |
| 5 – 9 | Normal Anger Management Skills: Clinical Help May be Useful |
| 0 – 4 | Better than Normal Anger Management Skills |
Scores on this test are not meant as a diagnosis tool! You should not take this score to represent a mental disorder diagnosis or any type of behavioral healthcare treatment recommendation. Always consult with a trained mental health professional if you are experiencing feelings, thoughts or difficulties that cause you or people you love to be concerned. Seek immediate treatment from a licensed mental health professional or physician within your community if you are having thoughts about killing yourself or someone else!
For more information on resolving anger issues, please contact True Potential Counseling to schedule an appointment.
